A new chapter
Dear Friends-
Many of you have emailed, called and texted to make sure I am alright. Let me assure you that even though I'm shaken and a bit at loose ends, I am okay. I really have appreciated everyone checking in on me, though. I think feeling loved right now is a good thing. A very good thing.
I've had so many people come forward with offers of places to stay, possible rentals, ideas on how best (and cheapest) to get a car.... I guess I hadn't realized before how many friends I have in Portland. It's a great feeling.
As to the break up - well, it's my fault, ultimately. I'm the one who realized that this relationship just doesn't have a future, and felt I needed to take the steps to end it. That said, it doesn't mean that I wanted to let go. It was a hard place to come to, and I still care so much for her - but she needs a partner that can be there, present, with her far more than I can. And I need to be free to follow my career without feeling guilty that it takes up so much time. I can't turn down roles because my girlfriend wants me to be around more.
The thing is, this isn't a fault on either of our parts. I don't blame her for wanting a boyfriend who can be there more often - I really understand that. But it isn't me. So we're better off apart, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Because it does. And I think what hurts me most is knowing how much I was hurting her, and seeing how much she didn't understand my decision. And knowing I can't help ease that pain, when that's been my job for over a year... yeah. Yesterday was hard.
But I am so grateful to Kenichi, who helped me move my (meager) possessions out of the apartment and into John's place. And to Sara, Kenichi's partner, who tolerated my presence in their apartment all day, while she was dealing with a one month old baby, and on their anniversary, no less (they didn't tell me!). And John is being wonderful as well, allowing me to stay in his guest room while I get myself sorted out.
I'm going to try to keep this blog updated regularly, if for no other reason than to give all of those interested updates on how I'm getting by in this difficult time. What you all can do is please comment, even if it's not particularly clever or pithy - it's easier to find the time and motivation to write if I know there are people out there reading it.
Thank you all. Very much. You are the best friends a guy could have.
Many of you have emailed, called and texted to make sure I am alright. Let me assure you that even though I'm shaken and a bit at loose ends, I am okay. I really have appreciated everyone checking in on me, though. I think feeling loved right now is a good thing. A very good thing.
I've had so many people come forward with offers of places to stay, possible rentals, ideas on how best (and cheapest) to get a car.... I guess I hadn't realized before how many friends I have in Portland. It's a great feeling.
As to the break up - well, it's my fault, ultimately. I'm the one who realized that this relationship just doesn't have a future, and felt I needed to take the steps to end it. That said, it doesn't mean that I wanted to let go. It was a hard place to come to, and I still care so much for her - but she needs a partner that can be there, present, with her far more than I can. And I need to be free to follow my career without feeling guilty that it takes up so much time. I can't turn down roles because my girlfriend wants me to be around more.
The thing is, this isn't a fault on either of our parts. I don't blame her for wanting a boyfriend who can be there more often - I really understand that. But it isn't me. So we're better off apart, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Because it does. And I think what hurts me most is knowing how much I was hurting her, and seeing how much she didn't understand my decision. And knowing I can't help ease that pain, when that's been my job for over a year... yeah. Yesterday was hard.
But I am so grateful to Kenichi, who helped me move my (meager) possessions out of the apartment and into John's place. And to Sara, Kenichi's partner, who tolerated my presence in their apartment all day, while she was dealing with a one month old baby, and on their anniversary, no less (they didn't tell me!). And John is being wonderful as well, allowing me to stay in his guest room while I get myself sorted out.
I'm going to try to keep this blog updated regularly, if for no other reason than to give all of those interested updates on how I'm getting by in this difficult time. What you all can do is please comment, even if it's not particularly clever or pithy - it's easier to find the time and motivation to write if I know there are people out there reading it.
Thank you all. Very much. You are the best friends a guy could have.
posted by Brian at 4:28 PM
1 Comments:
Well, I've certainly met you at an interesting moment, haven't I? No wonder I thought you hated me. Not hate, just roiling, raw emotion.
As far as cars go, I had to replace my Civic when it died last month in CA. So I started looking for a newish civic. And then I totaled my Jeep on the way to the R&J first read. So... had to buy 2 cars in a week. And one needed to be CHEAP, but not catastrophic. Well, I chatted with my Volvo loving pals and then their venerated hippie Volvo mechanic... searched Craigslist, etc. Found one that was $2100. Old scared me. And this one was a deal as they guy was moving out the next day so it was buy it or not, no time for luxuries like getting it inspected. I swore I'd never buy a used car without having it inspected. Especially an old one. Mechanic advised that if I thought it seemed good and it was around 2 grand to go for it. I did, and I could not be happier. I'll bet it outlives the Civic.
On the relationship front, well, we have hardly met, so I won't wade too deep, but I will call attention to the lead sentences of two neighboring paragraphs:
"well, it's my fault, ultimately."
"this isn't a fault on either of our parts."
Hmmm... Don't fall for the former. It sounds like you are right when you say that it is just that you two are not match. Almost no one is. Not that that makes it suck less, but don't be your own enemy on this. Ass kickings, even self inflicted ones never yield anything good in my experience.
Be well. See you soon. Hopefully tomorrow.
Annaliese
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