Hold on Loosely
There is a legend about Sir Laurence Olivier. Not the one with Dustin Hoffman. A different one.
He was playing Richard III, and gave a masterful performance. Everyone was amazed. He had to do 10 curtain calls. Everyone thronged around his dressing room after the show, only to hear him inside, throwing chairs around, screaming, crying and generally trashing the place.
When he finally opened the door, red-faced, a shocked crowd stood there. One brave soul spoke up. "But Larry, you were brilliant! It was the best performance you've ever given. Why on earth are you so upset?"
Olivier turned on him and said, simply "Because I have no idea why!"
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I finally did it last night. I finally made this role come alive exactly the I wanted it to, exactly the way it should be. I felt it in my bones. My director was extatic and talked of drammies. My stage manager hugged me and told me it was amazing. It was everything it could be. Everything it needs to be.
I have no idea how I did it. And that terrifies me.
OK, of course I know where it came from. Stepan (Schtep-ohn), my director, had a breakthrough the night before when a friend of his visited our rehearsal and they had a long chat. He sent me pages of notes the next day. I liked some of them, didn't like others, but the main point came down to this - we were playing Peter too jaded. He needed to be more freaked out by the shit going on around him. Like, way more freaked out. So that's what I played. And it worked.
At intermission Stepan told me that Peter was now the center the play as it should be. After the show he hugged me and told me I was there. Today in the parking lot, he told me he'd been thinking about it, and he realized he had never before worked with an actor who could take direction, think on it, and execute it as quickly as I had. That meant an awful lot.
And I know HOW I did it, really, but it's a delicate balance. I'm scared of going over the top - if Peter is THAT freaked out, then I could play it TOO big, and "over-acting" has always been my number one fear as an actor, ever since 10th grade when I upstaged an entire show in my naivete and my director, who I idolized, was so, so disappointed in me.
Acting is such a delicate balance, and because of that, we tend to try to go the safe road. And that's really where the danger lies - because if you codify your performance, if you plan each step, each emotion, each thought, then you aren't living it, and true performances ONLY happen when you live it. But- to step on that stage with no guarantee, no plan other than to just live it.... that's scary. Because what happened on Tuesday (in front of the director, SM, sound designer, costume designer and board op ONLY) could happen. OR it might just be nothing. Normal. Boring. And if I'm in my head.... So I need to not be in my head. I need to recreate Tuesday as much as possible. But I can't plan that. It just has to happen.
And I have to trust it will. Thank god this cast is so awesome and loving to me. Great performances....you can only create the most favorable conditions and hope the magic happens. You can't force it. It's like sleep. Or hitting a baseball. Or love.
Hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling to tightly, you're gonna lose control.
But if I did it once, I can it again.
But beyond that....this show requires me to leave pretty much everything on the stage. That's not easy when you have 100 people out there judging you. But it is what it is. And if I go too far, I go too far. Better that than not trying.
He was playing Richard III, and gave a masterful performance. Everyone was amazed. He had to do 10 curtain calls. Everyone thronged around his dressing room after the show, only to hear him inside, throwing chairs around, screaming, crying and generally trashing the place.
When he finally opened the door, red-faced, a shocked crowd stood there. One brave soul spoke up. "But Larry, you were brilliant! It was the best performance you've ever given. Why on earth are you so upset?"
Olivier turned on him and said, simply "Because I have no idea why!"
--------------------
I finally did it last night. I finally made this role come alive exactly the I wanted it to, exactly the way it should be. I felt it in my bones. My director was extatic and talked of drammies. My stage manager hugged me and told me it was amazing. It was everything it could be. Everything it needs to be.
I have no idea how I did it. And that terrifies me.
OK, of course I know where it came from. Stepan (Schtep-ohn), my director, had a breakthrough the night before when a friend of his visited our rehearsal and they had a long chat. He sent me pages of notes the next day. I liked some of them, didn't like others, but the main point came down to this - we were playing Peter too jaded. He needed to be more freaked out by the shit going on around him. Like, way more freaked out. So that's what I played. And it worked.
At intermission Stepan told me that Peter was now the center the play as it should be. After the show he hugged me and told me I was there. Today in the parking lot, he told me he'd been thinking about it, and he realized he had never before worked with an actor who could take direction, think on it, and execute it as quickly as I had. That meant an awful lot.
And I know HOW I did it, really, but it's a delicate balance. I'm scared of going over the top - if Peter is THAT freaked out, then I could play it TOO big, and "over-acting" has always been my number one fear as an actor, ever since 10th grade when I upstaged an entire show in my naivete and my director, who I idolized, was so, so disappointed in me.
Acting is such a delicate balance, and because of that, we tend to try to go the safe road. And that's really where the danger lies - because if you codify your performance, if you plan each step, each emotion, each thought, then you aren't living it, and true performances ONLY happen when you live it. But- to step on that stage with no guarantee, no plan other than to just live it.... that's scary. Because what happened on Tuesday (in front of the director, SM, sound designer, costume designer and board op ONLY) could happen. OR it might just be nothing. Normal. Boring. And if I'm in my head.... So I need to not be in my head. I need to recreate Tuesday as much as possible. But I can't plan that. It just has to happen.
And I have to trust it will. Thank god this cast is so awesome and loving to me. Great performances....you can only create the most favorable conditions and hope the magic happens. You can't force it. It's like sleep. Or hitting a baseball. Or love.
Hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling to tightly, you're gonna lose control.
But if I did it once, I can it again.
But beyond that....this show requires me to leave pretty much everything on the stage. That's not easy when you have 100 people out there judging you. But it is what it is. And if I go too far, I go too far. Better that than not trying.
posted by Brian at 8:41 PM
1 Comments:
Hey, boyo. Sounds like you're doing some good work out there. Reminds me of a rehearsal I had with Smochs during "Happy Valley." Our director was trying to get her to portray her character without becoming her character, and it was something that both Smochs and I were a little skeptical about. By the end of the night, though, we both understood what Jen was trying to teach us. I think it was a valuable lesson for Smochs, who did used to worry about being able to "go back to" the emotions her character felt. Once she realized that she could just portray them, instead of experience them, her performances actually got much stronger and much more consistant. I don't know if that's exactly what you're talking about here, but that's what it reminded me of. I'm only helpful accidentally, you know! :) Hugs!
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