Home for the Holidays
So this is the New Year.
And I don't feel any different.
But that's ok.
This trip home at the holidays had a different feel. Single once again, I was master of my own schedule. And it ended up feeling like I'd found a time travel machine.
Family obligations out of the way for the time being, I spent the mid-week exploring my past. Or so it seemed. Wednesday night I had dinner and a chat with my ex-girlfriend from way back, just post college. We're both so much more grown up now. She has a real job and a long-term boyfriend. She still writes on the side, but to some extent has become "normal." And it suits her. She seemed healthier and happier than she ever has in the times we've dropped into each others lives in the past 10 years. And perhaps even moreso than when we were together. And I felt so happy for her.
Thursday day was spent with Matt, my best friend since 10th grade, a man who knows me better and differently than anyone ever will. Pulling into the driveway at his parent's house, I was a lonely teenager again, hanging out with my friend, looking for the acceptance and connection that seemed so elusive. Until I got to the door and the present snapped back in focus. His brother was no longer a pipsqueak middle schooler, but an articulate, polite doctoral student. He stood and chatted with me, though I knew he'd rather get back to watching the film on TV. 17 years ago he would have. Matt came upstairs and the year since I had seen him no longer existed, except in stories that desperately needed to be shared. The afternoon was a joy.
Thursday night I spent with another old friend, one who I hadn't seen in years, one who has changed and changed again, and who it was lovely to see has grown into a clever, fun and sexy young woman. We chatted for hours and took care of some seriously unfinished business. I was left that night with the feeling that something long neglected had been completed. And then I drove by the I-35W bridge collapse. Juxtaposition is occasionally insane.
Friday night was a party where I reconnected with masses of old college friends. It was unexpected, but wow. The more people change, the more they stay the same. Some have less hair, or babies, or producing careers, but basically, they're the same shmos I went to college with. And the fact will never change that I need to find a woman like Mel, that isn't Mel. And that I should write her more.
I got to close another open door that night - I had a chance to apologize to someone I should have apologized to years ago. And as she's now dating one of my best friends, it was long overdue.
Saturday was family Christmas, delayed because it was my inlaws year to have my brother and sister-in-law on the real holday. It was the same as it ever is, which is in no way a bad thing. There is a reason I look forward to "Christmas Morning." And next year we get the baby on his first Christmas. So there's that, right? Uncle Brian. Oh my.
And then the weekend. My heart lives in that weekend. Because I spent it, mostly, with Barb and Matt, the two people who I hold closest to me. One of the saddest parts of my life is that I so rarely see these two singular people.
There is something very powerful about knowing that if the universe altered one or two factors, your life would be oh so different. Because if I could somehow travel at incredible speeds, and spend time on a daily basis with these two, my life would be so enriched and so more grounded. Spending my New Year's Eve / Day with them was.... everything.
Barb's night-before-New-Year's party was a blast as ever, as it has been the past three years, and is the reason my trips home for Christmas will ALWAYS extend to the New Year if at all possible. And spending the next day with her, just sharing that time - was one of the best days of my year. It doesn't matter so much WHAT we did, just that we did it together.
And then New Year's night. Drinking a beer in Minneapolis, sitting on a barstool next to my best friend of 17 years - a man I have known longer than I lived before I knew him. A man with whom I have shared the indecencies of high school, the maturation of college, the wonders of being an artist in New York. The man who flew across the country to stand next to me at my wedding, and later flew across the country to get me drunk for the first time after my divorce. The best friend we all wish we had growing up. We sat there, chatting quietly, and toasted as the ball dropped (on time delay) as 2008 began.
It was nothing special. Which made it the most special thing of all. If 2008 can live up to the promise of the last day of 2007, it will be a very special day indeed.
And then I flew home. Departing my parent's house, after hugging my mom goodbye and being dropped at the airport (at 5 AM!) by my dad, I had spent the last 24 hours with the four most important people I know outside of Portland.
And after a long day of travel (no sleep, four hours on a plane to Seattle, four hours on a train back to Portland) I fell into the loving embrace of those who are my life here. Lindsay met me at the station, conveyed me home, and then to dinner with Emily and David. They are my life here, and no less important than my past, or my home. They are my present.
I felt loved as I left, and loved again as I arrived.
Truly, I am blessed with an embarrassment of riches.
And I don't feel any different.
But that's ok.
This trip home at the holidays had a different feel. Single once again, I was master of my own schedule. And it ended up feeling like I'd found a time travel machine.
Family obligations out of the way for the time being, I spent the mid-week exploring my past. Or so it seemed. Wednesday night I had dinner and a chat with my ex-girlfriend from way back, just post college. We're both so much more grown up now. She has a real job and a long-term boyfriend. She still writes on the side, but to some extent has become "normal." And it suits her. She seemed healthier and happier than she ever has in the times we've dropped into each others lives in the past 10 years. And perhaps even moreso than when we were together. And I felt so happy for her.
Thursday day was spent with Matt, my best friend since 10th grade, a man who knows me better and differently than anyone ever will. Pulling into the driveway at his parent's house, I was a lonely teenager again, hanging out with my friend, looking for the acceptance and connection that seemed so elusive. Until I got to the door and the present snapped back in focus. His brother was no longer a pipsqueak middle schooler, but an articulate, polite doctoral student. He stood and chatted with me, though I knew he'd rather get back to watching the film on TV. 17 years ago he would have. Matt came upstairs and the year since I had seen him no longer existed, except in stories that desperately needed to be shared. The afternoon was a joy.
Thursday night I spent with another old friend, one who I hadn't seen in years, one who has changed and changed again, and who it was lovely to see has grown into a clever, fun and sexy young woman. We chatted for hours and took care of some seriously unfinished business. I was left that night with the feeling that something long neglected had been completed. And then I drove by the I-35W bridge collapse. Juxtaposition is occasionally insane.
Friday night was a party where I reconnected with masses of old college friends. It was unexpected, but wow. The more people change, the more they stay the same. Some have less hair, or babies, or producing careers, but basically, they're the same shmos I went to college with. And the fact will never change that I need to find a woman like Mel, that isn't Mel. And that I should write her more.
I got to close another open door that night - I had a chance to apologize to someone I should have apologized to years ago. And as she's now dating one of my best friends, it was long overdue.
Saturday was family Christmas, delayed because it was my inlaws year to have my brother and sister-in-law on the real holday. It was the same as it ever is, which is in no way a bad thing. There is a reason I look forward to "Christmas Morning." And next year we get the baby on his first Christmas. So there's that, right? Uncle Brian. Oh my.
And then the weekend. My heart lives in that weekend. Because I spent it, mostly, with Barb and Matt, the two people who I hold closest to me. One of the saddest parts of my life is that I so rarely see these two singular people.
There is something very powerful about knowing that if the universe altered one or two factors, your life would be oh so different. Because if I could somehow travel at incredible speeds, and spend time on a daily basis with these two, my life would be so enriched and so more grounded. Spending my New Year's Eve / Day with them was.... everything.
Barb's night-before-New-Year's party was a blast as ever, as it has been the past three years, and is the reason my trips home for Christmas will ALWAYS extend to the New Year if at all possible. And spending the next day with her, just sharing that time - was one of the best days of my year. It doesn't matter so much WHAT we did, just that we did it together.
And then New Year's night. Drinking a beer in Minneapolis, sitting on a barstool next to my best friend of 17 years - a man I have known longer than I lived before I knew him. A man with whom I have shared the indecencies of high school, the maturation of college, the wonders of being an artist in New York. The man who flew across the country to stand next to me at my wedding, and later flew across the country to get me drunk for the first time after my divorce. The best friend we all wish we had growing up. We sat there, chatting quietly, and toasted as the ball dropped (on time delay) as 2008 began.
It was nothing special. Which made it the most special thing of all. If 2008 can live up to the promise of the last day of 2007, it will be a very special day indeed.
And then I flew home. Departing my parent's house, after hugging my mom goodbye and being dropped at the airport (at 5 AM!) by my dad, I had spent the last 24 hours with the four most important people I know outside of Portland.
And after a long day of travel (no sleep, four hours on a plane to Seattle, four hours on a train back to Portland) I fell into the loving embrace of those who are my life here. Lindsay met me at the station, conveyed me home, and then to dinner with Emily and David. They are my life here, and no less important than my past, or my home. They are my present.
I felt loved as I left, and loved again as I arrived.
Truly, I am blessed with an embarrassment of riches.
posted by Brian at 3:17 AM
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