Luxury and Debauchery

Early research showed that if I stayed out in the deep suburbs, I could get a decent hotel room cheaper than I expected. So I ended up at a Best Western plus. Only $90 for the night, and oh, what a sweet bed. Plus a pool, and air conditioning.  (When in hotel rooms I love to crank the AC). I spent most of Saturday luxuriating- showering, napping, swimming, hot tubbing. I'd discovered via twitter that the Vancouver Fringe Festival happened to be wrapping up this weekend, and that my friend Tonya was performing. They were having a end-of-fringe 'Artists Cabaret of Debauchery and Delight,' and she had a bit in it. Having already seen her show Threads in Portland, I thought I'd check out the Cabaret. 

I left the hotel in plenty of time to drive in, get some food, and make the late night show. It said online that it was sold out, but that didn't stop me last weekend, so I was going for it.

Driving in on the freeway there were lots of warning signs about a toll bridge and I decided to try an alternate route, crazy without GPS, I know. There were definitely times when I felt totally lost. But I found my way, keeping an eye out for interesting restaurants as I went.

Suddenly I saw a familiar looking sign that said 'Nando's.' No way. Not possible. You see, Nando's was one of my absolute favorite restaurant chains in London- a Portugese Chicken place that would completely burn your face off. Their Peri-Peri spice is hot and tasty- the taste is also different from anything else I've had. The kind of place that swells your lymph nodes and leaves you in need of a bathroom all night because you drank so much water. Took my mom there and she said the super-mind lemon chicken was too hot. THAT kind of place. But it's London chain. The logo looks the same, though...

I parked. Wandered over. It IS the same place! Awesome! I was a very happy camper for dinner, even without Wifi. I was even able to buy a bottle of their sauce to take home.

Made my way into Vancouver and into the fringe area of downtown. Now these Canadians know how to fringe. Reminded me of MN in so many ways. The show was NOT sold out- that was just misinformation. But the line was long and took forever. The show was entertaining, though I sensed there were a LOT of inside jokes I was missing. The one strip tease bit was interesting when one of her tassles dropped off and she didn't notice.... The entire show was lit by flashlight from the audience, which reminded me of a certain Midsommer performance. (I wonder if we should PLAN an Ops show like that sometime...)

The 10:45 show started at 11:15, and ran almost a full two hours. I'd planned to meet Tonya for a drink after, but with an hour drive ahead of me, I bailed. I also wasn't sure I had the energy for a fringe crowd- the line had been fringey enough. I had it in me for that in my mid 20s... Guess I'm getting old.

The drive back was an adventure. I decided to brave the toll as I just wanted to get back, but the main freeway was closed- with no warning, just signs guiding you off the road. No detour signs. No idea how to get where I was going. Eventually found my way back to the road after the closure. And drove into the thickest fog I have ever seen in my life. I could barely see past the front of the truck. How people were blasting past me I'll never understand. Blind hares to my tortoise.  I just crept along at about 20mph, worried I'd miss my exit since I could barely read the signs.

Home to hotel about 3am, I felt arty so did some writing- came up with a poem I'm really happy with, though the final line is eluding me. Late to bed, I slept right through my hotel breakfast, and even missed my (late) checkout time by about 10 minutes. 

And yet no one threatened to call the police. 

One day left!

Sleeping, Driving and Laundering

You would think that a day that consisted almost entirely of sleeping, driving and laundry wouldn't have much adventuring.

You'd be wrong.

I woke up about 6am with an intense need for a bathroom. This is the one drawback to Walmart camping- unless it's a 24 hour store (only one has been) or close to a 24 hour something (one was across from a 7-11) you're on your own for calls of nature. Most of the folk are in RVs, so they are covered. My pickup... Not so much.

Most Walmarts are in shopping areas. Well lit at night, not a lot of places to hide. Not that I'm very shy about it- just don't want to upset anyone, especially anyone who can give me a ticket. But when it's dark, you can make do. At 6am the store isn't open yet, but people are milling about and it's light out. I had to walk quite a ways in my yoga pants and flip flops to find a private corner. What tsures!

At 10am I woke up sweating. I'm far enough south now to be getting a taste of the horrible hot weather my Portland peeps are suffering through. Yuk.

Decided to break up the drive just a bit and drive about an hour and a half before stopping for laundry, back in Quesnel, where I spent my first night. 

The ladies at this laundry absolutely saved my opinion of Canadians. They were so much fun. Smiling, laughing, happy. Not a crabby person in the place. I got my clothes in the washer, and went to the bathroom. I was so sweaty I needed to change. In Canada! Who knew?

I come back to find water spraying all over the laundromat. And of course it was MY washer that had sprung the leak. Everyone was running about, but in good spirits, absolutely laughing about it as they cut the water to the washer, cut the power to it, salvaged my clothes, moved them to another washer, mopped the whole place, and replaced a hose. They were so friendly with me. We had a good time.

On my way out of town, windows down to cool the truck, I felt something smack me in the face. Not too hard, but hard enough to notice. After a moment or two I looked down to see a very stunned looking bee in my lap. We were both a bit freaked. I stopped at the next possible location to brush him out of the truck. He must have had a very specific trajectory to pull that off...

After that, drive drive drive. I'm 4 miles from the US border now, back in Walmart camperland, and planning a weekend in Vancouver. Maybe a nice hotel tomorrow with a pool or something. Then Sunday night with Noah, then home.

See you soon!

Beautiful Things (mostly)

Last night in the hotel I actually watched the TV. I never do that. Just random TV, not shows I've vetted and planned on. I watched CSI (good) and, god help me, two hours of game shows. Family Feud and some show called 'Baggage.' Have you seen this? Hosted by Jerry Springer? Dating show where people have to reveal their 'baggage?' MY GOD. SO AWFUL AND SO GOOD!!! The epitome of guilty pleasure. I'm ashamed and entranced. Then I wrote some poems about girls and went to sleep. I might be 16. Don't judge me.

Then today...

No bear attacks. Too bad. What a story that would be!!

Ok, you saw those pictures, right? Amazing. Even more amazing in person, as I'm sure you realize.  

So that was in Hyder, Alaska. Kind of. That's where I stayed. But then you drive back into Canada to get to the glacier. But the only way to that part of Canada is through that part of Alaska. So I woke in Alaska, crossed to Canada to see the glacier, back to Alaska, back to Canada on the other side. International man of mystery!

 I had to go about 4 hours out if my way to get there.... But it was worth it. It's the largest glacier accessible by road in the world. The last 20 miles were the worst road I've ever been on. Calling it 'road' is being kind. Windy, switchback, huge potholes on a gravelly dirt road. No guard rails. Occasionally terrifying if the gravel slid. Visions of truck and I sailing into the Thelma and Louise...

Still worth it.

On the way back I stopped at Fish Creek, where they have a viewing platform to watch bears catch salmon. Sadly, the bears must have been full today, so I moved on.

Even though I crossed the border multiple times, only the last one had a checkpoint, going back from Hyder to Stewart. Two guards and a shack. Yes, she asked about guns. And about how I was going to defend myself from wildlife. Should I have a gun with me??

Considered stopping for what was supposed to be pretty good seafood, and even went in to the restaurant. $12 for a bowl of soup? $3 for a Pepsi? I considered it. No wifi either? Moving on. I'll eat at the next town...

The next town was a gas station. And that was all. Like one of those 'rural' movies where someone breaks down and the redneck people say it will take a month to get the part....Two pumps, made in the 30s... Aren't those usually horror movies? And today is Friday the 13th. Thank goodness I'm not camping...

I pressed on. Ate lunch out of my truck supplies - bread, cheese, peanut butter, triscuits, cereal. Got into the 'big' city of Smithers around 5pm. 

I've learned how to access the net here in Canada. Find an A&W or a Tim Hortons fast food joint. Park close to the building. Siphon WiFi. I even registered for the free faster wifi connection at Hortons. Only ate there once, though. I parked, got wifi, checked email. My dad had suggested a site called Trip Advisor - it's wonderful. I looked up their listings for restaurants in Smithers. Multiple people had given one place 5 stars - Daddio's. I decided to trust the collective wisdom.

Interestingly, Daddio's isn't a 50's diner, as you might expect from the name. The menu prices were a tiny bit high, so I just grabbed the $10 chicken fingers...

I want to marry those chicken fingers. Hand breaded, clearly never frozen, gourmet-type meal made by a chef, not a cook. Even the barbecue sauce was unlike anything I'd tasted. This restaurant should be in Portland. It would be your favorite. If you ever get anywhere near Smithers, go there. Seriously- plan a trip just for Daddio's and the glacier. And use Trip Advisor. Always.

After that, driving, driving, driving. This audiobook is something else- so clearly written by a pro-gun, Republican-leaning military aficionado. Entire passages about how the press is evil and screws up legal investigations. FOX news held up as a paragon. The 'bad guys' are a reporter, a liberal movie star and several 60's activists. The heroes are all ex-Marines.  A main character named Bob Lee Swagger... I'm still listening because 1) I paid for it, 2) It's all I have left, 3) Past the right wing BS, the story is pretty good and 4) know thy enemy. Though I'm about halfway through and it's now pretty obvious who the bad guy is, so that kind of kills the 'what happens next' factor.

Tonight I sleep at Walmart again. Tomorrow, I begin a weekend in Vancouver!

Salmon Glacier

I have no words. My voice is in my camera.

*Thats actually not entirely true. I wrote a poem. But I'm not sure it doesn't suck, so you only get the photos...

Bears, Glaciers, and Lockable Windows

I slept well and long in the RV lot, and awoke somewhat sweltering. I had the tarp on, and the sun was just beating down on it. Turns out it was a warm day up in the Yukon (though nothing compared to you Portland folk. Yikes.)

It was mostly a driving day for me, though in somewhat of a meandering way. I stopped for a while in Jade City and looked at some pretty jewelry. Stopped in the one city I thought might have a cell tower for lunch, but no such luck. Flirted with an adorably shy waitress, though.

Pressed on through lots of small cities- some really lovely scenery... Working on lines, listening to a new audiobook which was written by someone who knows a LOT about guns...

As I got close to my destination, the small twin towns of Stewart, BC and Hyder, AK, I started seeing amazing things. I saw four brown bears just hanging out on the side of the road. The last two were a mom and cub pair... And then, the amazing views...! This is a glacial region... Just look at that photo...!

I was planning on saying at another RV park in Stewart, but was having trouble finding it, so I stopped at a hotel. Out of curiosity I asked their rates- $100 a night, better than expected. I was debating it, and the woman told me that if I was looking for cheaper, I should cross over into Hyder. She was right. I found the Grandview Inn. $70, tax included. I'm their only guest tonight. It smelled great- the manager was baking cookies in his unit off the office. The owner was a lovely lady named Dee (which was my grandma's name. I'm always partial to that. I knew I liked her...) I asked if there was anyplace open to eat (it was 9pm) and they said no... She told me more about her - she lives in Washington most of the year, but owns the hotel and comes up in the busy season. She's looking forward to getting back to her grandkids...

I tell her about seeing the bears. She says they've had one bothering the hotel lately. In fact, she warns me from leaving any food in the truck. If I hear any noises on outside the room (even on the 2nd floor of the motel) I should bang on the door and NOT go outside. Wow. Different parts of the world.

Still no cell tower, but the hotel has Wifi!

As I was unloading my car, the owner came out with a plate. Two fresh cookies and a sandwich. She said I must be starving so she made this for me.

Oh, and the windows have screens AND lock.

Take that, Chelsea Inn Hotel.

A lazy day

Sometimes you need a lazy day.

In this case, 'lazy' means waking up at 10:30 in the Walmart parking lot with a screaming bladder. (At home I'd have gone twice already.) Going inside for the bathroom and some more stomach acid pills. I drive in for lunch, find a place with wifi. Write a blog post. The pizza buffet is $16? I'll have a personal pizza please. Canada is expensive!

I wander the town a bit. Check out the used bookstore. Not as exciting as Anchorage, but I develop a plan for my future. What is my real, true dream? I want to run a used bookstore in a small town, maybe an hour from a metropolitan center. Maybe Portland. And the back room of the bookstore is a theatre. That I run. Yes, this is my dream. Any ladies wanna join with me on this?

Today's plan is just to drive to Watson Lake. Land of the friendly German visitor center helper. After that we turn south on an unfamiliar, very rural route. Tomorrow. Cell tower? Wifi? Don't count on it.

It's a short drive - 5 hours - and the Allison Janney book isn't as good as I'd hoped. She reads too fast (thanks to Marty for stopping me from that sin on Senseless) and its abridged, which I hate. I finish it, though. And I mediate as I drive. And I listen to the end of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close- one of the 10 best books I've ever read. Read it. Now.

I get into Watson Lake later than I mean to. The visitor center is closed. I catch some wifi at the Rec center, get dinner at THE diner (grumpy waitresses... Why, Canada, why?) and head to the $12 campground I'd planned for.

There is NO ONE THERE. Totally deserted. I can pay my money and stay, but... I don't think I can handle being this alone and this dark. I just don't. I leave, aware that I'm kind of pathetic.

In town there's an RV campground. It's $30 but has a shower! Run by a friendly Scotsman! And I'm not the only isolated person for 20 miles. Plus wifi! It's really the right choice.

So here I am. Clean, content. I've got my camp chair out and I'm looking up at the starry sky. Still haven't seen the northern lights . Still hoping.  I've had some rum. I won't be responsible for this post in the morning....

I love you all! Serrrrrrioussssly.

Pick up notes:

1) I glossed over the AWESOME breakfast Caitlin and I had in Anchorage. Mama something, near the airport. Amazing biscuits and gravy. And we just happened across it.... Caitlin- do you remember the name?

2) Crossing into Canada from Alaska, the border guard asked:

Do you have any alcohol?

Part of a bottle of rum in a mason jar in the back.

Ok. Do you have any guns?

No.

Any weapons?

No.

Any guns, knives, blunt instruments?

Um, no.

How do you intend to defend yourself?

....my wits?

Ok. Do you have any produce...

Really?

Goodnight, friends!

Unexpected and Authentic Human Connection

Clearly shaken after my hotel experience; I needed something I knew would calm me. Plus, I needed more audiobooks. There was only one option: bookstore!

Siri only listed one used bookstore for the city of Anchorage. C&M used books. I followed the directions, got there, parked. Nuts. Closed. It's Sunday, so that doesn't seem unusual, I guess. No hours posted, though. Meanwhile, one of the friends I've been texting about the hotel crisis asks if I'd like to talk. I really would, so I decide to just stay parked there and chat. Really, really good decision. And a wonderful conversation, too.

I'm on the phone for about an hour, and shortly before hanging up, I notice an older lady walk up and look quizzically at the store. She tries the door. She sets down her two bags and makes a phone call. Then she makes another one . No one seems to answer, and she just lingers.

I wrap up my conversation shortly after that, and, feeling brave, I get out of the truck and ask the lady if she knows anything about the bookstore.

She does! It's run by her best friend. She doesn't really keep regular hours, but usually opens around 2 on Sundays. (It's about 1:30) She's been trying to call her but isn't getting any answer.

I figure I can hang for a half hour. I've got a few blog entries to write and other stuff to do. I head back over by the truck.

After about 5 min the lady wanders over by me and starts talking. And she is FASCINATING. She's in her 60s. She tells me about her three kids- the older boy, the middle boy (who she calls her TDW, her tall drink of water) and the younger, a girl. The older and younger got her height (short) and their (different) father's coloring (white.) The middle one got his father's height (tall) and her coloring (Native American, which she consistently refers to as 'Indian.') All three are local, but she rarely gets them all under one roof. She did yesterday, though. Her daughter had set her up on a date, and her TDW called to save her from it and gather the whole family. Everyone loves football, but different teams.  Her's is the 49ers. She used to be a dancer, Native American traditional dance. She's been in National Geographic. She has a real problem with dirty old men, both philosophically and as a kind of a bad luck issue. She only let one man marry her. She works at the school as a lunch lady, but used to do all manner of things including bookstore clerk and Arby's counter girl. She's more of a leg girl, really, and the bus driver on her route has great legs. She prefers her men tall, preferably about 6'2, with blue eyes and red hair. (Close, but no cigar.) But she'll negotiate on the hair. (Did that come with a wink?)

I learned the town gossip, the family gossip, about road trips, about the bookstore owner. And every single bit was utterly wonderful. She didn't ask me much about myself, but I didn't mind. I was in more of a listening mode anyway. We talked for about an hour as we waited. Her name is Deborah and I adored her.

Through it all she kept calling her friend, Cathy, who owns the bookstore. She's hard to reach because she has dial-up Internet so her phone is always busy. Eventually she reaches her- she's running late because she's waiting for her pants to be done in the dryer. 'Just put on anything, Cathy! You've got a customer! He needs audiobooks!'

Cathy shows about 2:30 and we go in. This trip is already worth far more than audiobooks, but I do need them. As I browse, Cathy chats with me, about books, about my trip. About Deborah. We commiserate on the insane pricing on audiobooks. Sadly, most of what she has is on tape, and I have to have CDs. The most interesting CD one is scratched all to hell- I warn her about this. She thanks me. She offers to negotiate down in her 'half the cover price' rate because of the exorbitant cover prices, in spite of the clear 'no negotiation' sign behind her head. I settle on three - two short ones and a long one (one read by Allison Janney!). She charges me $22 for what should have been $45.

She's really interested in MY audiobook but I don't have any with me, and she's never going to be able to download it on dial up. Maybe I'll send her one when I get home (Hey Marty- can we do this pro bono? Maybe she'll buy some to stock?) She tells me about a different way to drive back to Vancouver where I can see amazing glaciers, and shows me the route in a map book. She tells me to email when I get home and tell her about it.

I love this bookstore. I love these ladies. I'm so glad I stopped here.

I'm learning something about myself. I have the BEST time when I invite people to talk to me, and then just listen.

I go to a park with good views and wander around. I consider an oil change and discover they are priced astronomically in Alaska. $50 at Jiffy Lube?!?! I get caught in a flash downpour, and have to jump out of the truck at a red light and get soaked to close the windows on the truck topper. I was airing out the smell...

I've seen all I want to in Anchorage. I drive to the suburbs to the Walmart on the edge of the metro area - gets me an hour jump on the drive tomorrow. It's right by a pizza place and a movie theatre. So I eat a pizza and go to a movie. Elysium makes me sad for the state of humanity.

The night passes quietly, though the blankets are a bit wet.  turns out there are holes in the bottom of the bed, for drainage- but driving in a flash downpour kicks water up through them. But I'll live. Long road the next day.

I get up early (8am!) so I can have more daytime driving, less night. I've got 15 hours to go today.

About an hour in, I get stopped for construction. I've talked about this before, but not described it fully. You come along a sign that says 'prepare to stop' - then you get closer and there's a worker with a 'stop/slow' sign and it probably says stop. And there's probably a line. And you wait, sometimes up to a half hour, for the follow car to come through from the other side with the folks going the other way. If the line is already long you probably have a shorter wait.

I'm first.

I stop the truck, roll down the window. Ask the worker how long it will be.

About 15-20 minutes she says.

We start talking. I get out of the truck to stretch. I click into listening mode like yesterday. She's got a lot to share. And it doesn't hurt that she's rather pretty.

Her name is Sam. She's lived in Alaska all her life. Usually likes it, not always. The job holding the sign is kind of boring, but it pays better than the guys digging the ditches. She likes talking to the people, except when they get mad at her. She has LOTS of stories about the people that come through.

A bus pulls up two behind me. The driver comes over and asks if he can check out some of the big trucks. She says ok. He wanders off. After a few minutes guys start coming off the bus. All in fatigues. They head for the tree line to pee.

Sam laughs and comments that they aren't shy. I note that military guys seem to pee in groups, like women. 

She tells me about a 'Hollywood producer guy' a few weeks back who asked her if it was ok to pee down there. She said sure. He walked down, then shouted back 'is this an ok place' and she said 'I don't care- wherever you want!' She was laughing about how shy he was.

The follow car showed up and I was kind of bummed to go. I was enjoying that conversation.

The rest of the day was driving, driving, driving, which is kind of meditative for me. I even pulled off at one point and spent a half hour writing in my journal and starting a new poem, all while looking at just STUNNING scenery. I'd come through this way at night, so the drive back was entirely different.

Back in Whitehorse for the night. Just a short drive today, I think, then new territory tomorrow!

Hotel 2: The police

Having narrowly escaped the hotel of the dogs and bedbugs, I was now homeless. With the toxic smell of caulking filling the back of the truck, that wasn't an option for the next 24 hours. Rainy days and being in a big city meant camping was out. Hotel it had to be.

I called around. Three in my price range (under $100, the further under the better.) One was full. Bummer- it had great Yelp reviews. The Travel Inn was $80, tax included, but required a $20 refundable deposit. Both Yelp and the BBB warned it was a dive with bad service, and that getting the deposit refunded could be a challenge.

That left the Chelsea Inn Hotel. $80 plus tax. 

I arrived and it looked ok.  Nothing fantastic, but cheap and clean. Not a scary neighborhood.

I go in, talk to the counter lady. She seems nice. I ask to see the room, and she says yes. Ugh. Smells like smoke. She apologizes, they don't allow smoking, but someone must have snuck it. I ask if there are other rooms. She says yes, but they have more beds so cost $10 more. She shows me one. It's definitely nicer, but I can't afford the extra right now. I'm already pushing the budget with the hotel room at all.

So I take the smelly room. I arrange for my customary late check out (noon instead of 11) - she agrees to that. I grab the key, go in to open the windows and air it out. First two windows, no problem. Third window doesn't have a screen. Oh well, I'll just lock it and use the two.

There's no lock. 

This is a first floor room. The street and sidewalk are RIGHT there. It's a bit up from the ground, but not much. I look out. There's a ledge halfway up. Are they TRYING to get broken into?

I go outside. I need to test this. I jump up on the ledge- easy enough. I go to the first window- this is the lobby. Ok. Count down, my room is next... Try the window. Dude comes at me, shouting! Shit! Not my room!

I apologize profusely. He seems unimpressed. I move on. He closes his curtains. I test MY window. It opens. Not good.

I go back inside, explain to the nice lady at the desk the problem. The room is not secure. I ask if I can have the other room for the cheaper price, since this room is faulty.

No.

I ask if I can have a refund. Maybe I'll try Travel Inn anyway.

No.

Please?

No.

Can I talk to the manager?

No.

I try to problem solve with her. She's not having it. She's getting agitated. She says I can talk to the manager about a refund in the morning. This doesn't help me, for obvious reasons. If she says no, I'm really screwed.

Who is the manager anyway?

This is her card.

This says Assistant manager. What about the manager?

There isn't one.

There isn't a manager? Only an assistant?

Yes.

(With a laugh) That seems silly.

This, apparently is the last straw. She loses all humor. Clearly angry, she asks what I'm going to do.

I decide to take the more expensive room (these windows don't lock either, but it's on the 2nd floor). I state I'd like to discuss with the manager in the morning about refunding the difference, since it really is the hotel's negligence. She says that's fine and will probably work. I try to apologize for upsetting her. She's having none of it, tells me I was rude to her. I really hadn't been. Never raised my voice. I knew it wasn't her fault. But she was offended and there was no fixing it.

I spend the night at the hotel. It's a rough night for personal, emotional reasons and I don't get a lot of sleep. But that's not on them. The night clerk is super nice, very apologetic that they don't have an ice machine...

In the morning I get up and meet up with my friend Caitlin, who has been in Alaska a few hours north visiting a friend. She's flying out of Anchorage, and we meet up for brunch before she leaves. It's a good time. I'm in a positive mood.

As I come back, I notice the original woman who checked me in behind the desk. That's odd- she's said the manager (sorry, assistant manager) would be in in the morning. Oh well. Maybe they're both around. I don't want to deal with that til I'm checking out.

I get back to the hotel, take a shower, pack most of my stuff up. It's just 11:00 now. Great. I have time for a short nap before I need to be out at noon.

Just as I'm falling asleep, the room phone rings. It's the lady at the desk telling me it's 11:00 and I need to leave. I remind her that we had arranged for a late check out the morning before. She tells me that check out time is 11, and if I want to stay later, it will cost $10 an hour. I say, no, you agreed to this last night. She hangs up on me. I call back. She does not answer.

I get dressed and to out to the lobby. She's behind the desk. I ask for the (assistant) manager. She tells me that she called in sick. She says I have to get out. I tell her I'm not going to do that. She says I have to. I say no. She she says they have the right to refuse service to anyone and I have to go. I say no and head back to my room. She says she'll call the police. I say to go ahead.

I get back to my room and call my credit card company. I tell them what's going on and that I need to make sure they don't try to make any further charges to my card. They say they won't allow it. I explain about how I was supposed to get the extra $10 back. They say they can take care of that for me. Nice. 

As I'm saying goodbye to the credit card lady, there is a knock on the door. I look in the peephole. Nothing there. I finish packing up. Another knock. I look. Nothing. I wait. Another knock and someone says 'Mr Allard?' 

Me: Yes?

Voice: Anchorage Police.

My god. She actually called them.

Me: I can't see you.

Police: Can you open the door.

Me: Can I see your badge, please?

A paper badge appears in the peephole. That's odd. Oh well, good enough. I open the door.

Good Cop: Mr Allard?

Me: Yes

GC: The hotel called. They say you were paid up through 11am and you need to leave.

Me: (Long explanation about the late check out)

GC: Well, they want you to leave now.

Me: Ok. Are YOU saying I have to leave? I have a lot of respect for the police, and if you say I have to go, I'll go. But if you aren't saying that, and only the hotel staff is, then I'm not going to leave.

Bad Cop: What we're saying is that the hotel would like you to leave. And since your time has expired, you are technically trespassing by being here.

Me: So you, the police, are saying I have to go? I'm not trying to be difficult, but I want to understand.

BC: I don't see why it's so difficult to understand. Will you leave?

Me: Yes. Because you are insisting.

BC: (entering the room) Do you have any weapons?

Me: No.

BC: Guns, knives, anything.

Me: No. Definitely not.

Why does everyone worry about me having weapons?!

I grab my bags and head out, the police following me. The desk lady watching.

I load my stuff into the truck as the cops wait for me, and suddenly realize something. I've left my toothbrush and toothpaste inside. I debate what to do, and approach the police cars. I have the instinct to put my hands over my head, but I don't. They get out. 

Me: I just realized I left my toothbrush and toothpaste inside, and I didn't think I should just go in. I didn't want to upset you.

GC: You wouldn't upset us, you would upset them.

What is with this specificity?

They say I can go get it, but they have to go with me. Possibly the first time ever someone has had a police escort to get their toothpaste and toothbrush.

I get my things and go. Being very sure to signal appropriately as I exit the parking lot.

I had no idea the Good Cop/Bad Cop routine was so ingrained! Or maybe the guy was just a dick.

So. That's how I got thrown out of a hotel by the police today.