Perception
So. I made a mistake this weekend. One that almost cost.... well, quite a lot. I wasn't the only one who made a mistake, but I could have stopped the problem before it began if I had thought it through a bit further. And everything I did was with the best intentions, but... well. It still would have ultimately been better off if I had dealt with the situation better. And I'm sorry about that.
But it did put me in a situation to make some realizations about some friends of mine.
In one case, a friend stood up for me in a fashion that took my breath away. Now, whether it was motivated out of friendship for me, or simply out of a sense of fair-play and standing up for what is right, I'm not sure. But it doesn't really matter. She stood up for me in that moment, and with a ferocity I never would have expected.
In another case, a friend did what she always does. She was there when I needed her, on an very frequent basis. She listens to my bitching, tells me when I'm being dumb, and just generally takes care of me. This was nothing new, but in such a difficult time, it really helped.
In a third case, a friend had the fortitude to sit down with me, tell me to shut up, and just lay some shit out for me. Every time I tried to interrupt, he stopped me. Every excuse I came up with, he set aside for the moment. And this was hard - for him and for me.
He helped me to learn something about perception and reputation. Every time he would tell me "well, to some people it sorta looked like this" and I would try to respond with "but if you look at it a different way" he essentially explained to me that yes, he knew that, of course he knew that, but he was my friend and he knew me. He knew what was going on in my head, why I reacted the way I did, what my intentions were. Other people didn't.
It seems to me that it's kind of a vicious cycle. Your friends know what's going on with you, so they have a more personal perception on things. So they remain your friends, even if it seems to others that you're being a jerk.
When he laid it all out for me, I realized something. I realized "Damn. If you look at it that way, I really come off as an asshole."
In the end, I think I've learned that I really need to guard my reputation. You need to be aware of the perception as well as the reality. I don't think I'm a difficult person to deal with, and by and large, if what the people I've worked with have told me, I'm right. I had a rough summer, what with the break-up and everything, and I think that's hurt me. It seems that some people had finally tired of that emotionally on-edge Brian (as had I) and when this situation cropped up that seemed to be another example of that, it had just been enough. Whether the situation was different or not is immaterial. It seemed that way, and that's what matters when you are dealing with people that don't have access to your interior person.
I like to think I'm the first to admit when I make a mistake. I made one this weekend. Thankfully a much bigger mistake was avoided by cooler heads prevailing. And now I've learned I have some work to do. It might be too late to salvage certain relationships (which would be sad) but hopefully I've learned in time to save others.
And back to my friends - I've always felt that true friendship was best described as knowing that your friend is flat-out wrong, and defending them anyway. And then dressing them down afterwords, in private.
Well, I wasn't flat-out wrong this time, just somewhat misguided, but I had one friend that defended me, and one that sorta dressed me down. I'll take it.
The three people I mentioned here should know who they are. And you have my eternal gratitute, and much, much love.
But it did put me in a situation to make some realizations about some friends of mine.
In one case, a friend stood up for me in a fashion that took my breath away. Now, whether it was motivated out of friendship for me, or simply out of a sense of fair-play and standing up for what is right, I'm not sure. But it doesn't really matter. She stood up for me in that moment, and with a ferocity I never would have expected.
In another case, a friend did what she always does. She was there when I needed her, on an very frequent basis. She listens to my bitching, tells me when I'm being dumb, and just generally takes care of me. This was nothing new, but in such a difficult time, it really helped.
In a third case, a friend had the fortitude to sit down with me, tell me to shut up, and just lay some shit out for me. Every time I tried to interrupt, he stopped me. Every excuse I came up with, he set aside for the moment. And this was hard - for him and for me.
He helped me to learn something about perception and reputation. Every time he would tell me "well, to some people it sorta looked like this" and I would try to respond with "but if you look at it a different way" he essentially explained to me that yes, he knew that, of course he knew that, but he was my friend and he knew me. He knew what was going on in my head, why I reacted the way I did, what my intentions were. Other people didn't.
It seems to me that it's kind of a vicious cycle. Your friends know what's going on with you, so they have a more personal perception on things. So they remain your friends, even if it seems to others that you're being a jerk.
When he laid it all out for me, I realized something. I realized "Damn. If you look at it that way, I really come off as an asshole."
In the end, I think I've learned that I really need to guard my reputation. You need to be aware of the perception as well as the reality. I don't think I'm a difficult person to deal with, and by and large, if what the people I've worked with have told me, I'm right. I had a rough summer, what with the break-up and everything, and I think that's hurt me. It seems that some people had finally tired of that emotionally on-edge Brian (as had I) and when this situation cropped up that seemed to be another example of that, it had just been enough. Whether the situation was different or not is immaterial. It seemed that way, and that's what matters when you are dealing with people that don't have access to your interior person.
I like to think I'm the first to admit when I make a mistake. I made one this weekend. Thankfully a much bigger mistake was avoided by cooler heads prevailing. And now I've learned I have some work to do. It might be too late to salvage certain relationships (which would be sad) but hopefully I've learned in time to save others.
And back to my friends - I've always felt that true friendship was best described as knowing that your friend is flat-out wrong, and defending them anyway. And then dressing them down afterwords, in private.
Well, I wasn't flat-out wrong this time, just somewhat misguided, but I had one friend that defended me, and one that sorta dressed me down. I'll take it.
The three people I mentioned here should know who they are. And you have my eternal gratitute, and much, much love.
posted by Brian at 11:09 PM
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