Nana Dee

Fair warning: This blog entry is almost entirely for me. Please, feel free to read, but realize upfront that it's somewhat self-indulgent.

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My god. Two years.

Two years since my grandmother died.

And, yeah, I know - we all write about our dead grandmothers. But... I dunno. I don't think anyone shaped my life the way she did. She taught me what it was all about. Nothing moves me the way her memory does. It gives me strength, and it cuts me to the quick. Like life, I guess.

It's taken me this long to look back at the eulogy I gave for her. But now its time.

So here it is.

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I kinda feel that I didn't have the opportunity to meet Delores Dayton until she was about 2/3 of the way through her life. And that's the closest you'll get to me telling you how old she actually was. Strict orders, you know. The woman in that photo, I never got to know. Which is a shame. But I heard stories - oh yes. And I'd love to hear many more.

I heard stories about her devotion to her husband and children. And I saw that borne out in her love for her grandchildren. I heard stories of how she worked part time as a school secretary while finishing school early in order to help support her fatherless family. I heard stories of how she shepherded a family of her pregnant self and two children though WWII while her husband was away fighting, living in two rooms, sharing a house with other families, giving birth while he was away, defending our country. I've heard stories of how she was romanced by the famous, and had the will to walk away because it wasn't right.

And I have stories to tell. I have stories to tell of when I was a baby, and she slept beside my crib because I was ill, and she would not be persuaded to a bed. Of how, when I was a child, sleeping over at Nana Dee's was one of the most exciting things in the world, because we would watch baseball, eat ice cream, and she would drag the mattress into the living room so we could sleep in the same room. And I never minded (too much) that the clock ticked so loud that I couldn't sleep. I have stories to tell of when I was a young adult and my life and marriage fell apart - my Nana Dee was there for me - and when I made questionable decisions, she tried to understand and would never judge - even when all around me were. I have stories to tell of how every ex-girlfriend I have (and no smart comments about the increasing number of those, please) is quick to ask after Nana Dee whenever I speak to them - even if it is years later. This is a woman who made an impression.

What you need to understand is that you are these stories. I see Nana in each of you. I see her in my Aunt Joyce's compassion, my Uncle Dan's patience, my mother's love and understanding. I see her in my cousin Brad's professionalism, Jon's cleverness, Lori's enjoyment of life, Lisa's love of her family, and my brother Dan's intense drive to succeed. And finally and sadly, somewhat backwards, I realize that what my uncle Larry most had from her was bravery, especially bravery in the face of death.

So please, share your stories. Share yourselves. Nana Dee - a woman I will always be quick to name as one of the most influential in my life - has influenced each and every one of you - otherwise you wouldn't be here. Tell those stories - to each other, to strangers, and most of all, to your children.

Because the woman I knew as Nana Dee may be dead - but as long as those stories are told - she never will be, never can be, gone.

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And now I'm crying. Nothing in this world can make me cry like thinking of her. Nothing.

And while I have no understanding of "The Life After" - I do know that if there is any part of her that can know what I am thinking, I want that part to know that I will never regret anything more in my life than not coming home a day or two sooner. Never.

I just wish I had known she was asking for me.

An Illegal Erection

This Shakespeare in the park thing in Portland is interesting.

I mean, first there was the fountain and all the drama associated with that. Now Romeo and Juliet is closed, and As You Like It opens this coming Saturday.

It's a production that has been fraught with....stuff. The two lead women are in other shows at the same time as this one, one of which opens the same day as ours, just at night, when we are in the afternoon. Due to this, we will not have had a single rehearsal with the entire cast before we open the show. Wow.

And then last night's rehearsal, well, that was something else.

It actually started before I got there, so this part I just heard via our SM. Some people arrived early to set up the changing tent, and once done, were approached by a policeman who said "this here is an illegal erection. The federal police are on their way." Um. We put up a tent in the park, so you called the feds? Anyway - the federal police arrive, our director (Bibi - she's like everyone's mom. It's impossible to say no to her. It would be like letting down your mom or grandma...) shows them our permit, they say that we can keep the tent for today and they will let us know about the future. Thanks.

So as we are starting rehearsal, the PDX Pop NOW festival kickoff was starting. Actually, PDX Pop NOW is usually something I get into, but they made some unfortunate choices for bands (and why are you doing this outside at the courthouse, again? Old Time Relijun, The Watery Graves, and Little Sue. Local bands I've not heard of, and won't be following up.

Then, at the end of Act I, they finished. Which is great - Act II needs more work, we can now hear each other, yay!

Halfway through Act II, the sprinklers on the other side of the park suddenly went off. It freaked us out, but they weren't really hitting the stage, or where we were sitting, so we pressed on. Fifteen minutes later, they popped up on our side. One came up right under the tent! We all got doused as we grabbed our things and ran. It was hilarous in it's absurdity - and sadly, sprinkler systems are rather disinterested in performance permits. We were done for the night.

And so I went to a concert. Alan Singley and the Pants Machine. Needed to wipe away the memory of those bad bands. Alan was great, and I actually got to chat with him before the show. He played my favorite song of his "the pie song" and even asked me to come on stage and sing it with him. I demurred, as I get funny about singing, and actually prefer not to be on a stage when I'm not working. The opening band, The Sort Ofs, were excellent, and I really like their CD, which I bought. So that worked out.

Oh, and out in the park, doing this show - this is me:

Two Weeks

Two weeks on from the break up. Has it really been two weeks? Wow.

I'm still plugging on, dear friends. There are lonely times, and times when I'm just sad, but for the most part I'm plogging along taking things a day at a time. I'm more convinced each day (with the exception of those dark, lonely times) that I've made the right decision here, even if it is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Of course, money is another thing. I have lots of work lined up starting in September, but the rest of July is just a desert. I've even started looking into temp agencies - but the thing is, I'm crazy busy right now! It's just that I'm not getting paid for it. But there seems to be a possibility of getting some money from Blue Monkey starting in August, and John has offered me the props position for his production of "Zombie Prom." I'm not sure I'll have time for that, or that it's cost effective, but it is a bit of cash, anyway. It seems like I'll survive the summer if this stuff comes through, but just by the skin of our teeth. And I could use a few days of mindless office money-making if you know anyone....

The Blue Monkey Education Department stuff, along with some acting career maintenence, some writing, and getting started on the teaching stuff for the Northwest Academy are keeping me right busy, nevermind rehearsing for As You Like It. I've got a guy who is going to teach me some magic stuff for that show, and I couldn't be more grateful. I sent out a blast on PDXbackstage, and this guy just volunteered his time, expertise, and some supplies. I'm very fortunate.

Romeo and Juliet has been going well. Saturday night was interesting last weekend - when we got there, we had two homeless guys cuddled up asleep on the "stage" where we perform in front of the fountain. Our SM was a bit intimidated, so I went down and woke them up, and asked them if they could move somewhere else. There was an empty bottle of Vodka there, and we quickly learned precisely where it had gone. One of the guys got up and was reasonable (if a bit paranoid and accusatory), but his companion was simply not capable of standing. This went on for 20 minutes, the first guy trying to get the other guy out of there while our audience slowly gathered for the "preshow" as it had become. Eventually the police showed up, after being called twice, and escorted the very drunk guy out of there (the other one had taken off to avoid the cops). It was an interesting adventure to start the show.

Trying to keep busy at night, because of course those are the hardest times. Went to see the new Harry Potter movie tonight with some friends. It was good - the book isn't as fresh in my mind, so the descrepancies didn't bother me TOO much, though I did wonder why they made Cho the traitor, that was a new twist. Lisa and I are going to a concert on Thursday, trying to move forward the whole "being friends" thing. I hope that works out, really. Even if we didn't work out as partners - she's a great person and I would very much value keeping her as a friend.

So, off to bed. Tomorrow I go buy clothes for As You Like It. Could take all day.

Floundering in the Fountain

Well, last night was a challenge.

You see, we're remounting the production of Romeo & Juliet that I was in last winter. We're doing it in a park, using a fountain as a base for the setting. The fountain, however, needs to be off, both so that we have a chance in hell of being heard, and because a number of our entrances are supposed to be through the area where the water flows. Last night was our final rehearsal before we open the show tonight.

And the fountain was still fucking on.

I did not deal with this well - and on the one hand, I do have a right as a professional to demand that we have at least one rehearsal with the conditions we will actually be performing under. On the other hand, I should just suck it up and be a good example for all the kids in the show. I didn't do that. I was mad, and I let that be known. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sure I'll get a pass from people because of my current emotional state, and I appreciate that. But it's harder to give myself that same pass, you know?

We still have no guarantee that the fountain will be off tonight, though it sounds like our producer has been kicking some ass to make sure it happens. Apparantly the Portland Water Dept. is not particularly organized. If the fountain isn't off tonight, I don't know if I can bring myself to go on. It puts us in an unsafe environment and would basically force us to stand on stage and scream to be heard. I find the whole idea very embarrassing as an actor. It's bad enough we won't really have a chance to work the show the way we'll be doing it (we really have no idea what cue to listen for for entrances, since we've never been able to hear. And fights could be an adventure with the conditions unfamiliar...)

Otherwise, I've just been trying to settle in here at John's. I'm only about half unpacked, and since the packing was a rush job, I really have no idea where a lot of my things are. I've realized I left a few things at Lisa's, some of which are very important, but we spoke last night and semi-arranged for me to pick them up. Lisa seems to be in a pretty good state now, and we even were able to talk about remaining friends, or at least friendly. I think I would like that a lot.

Tomorrow I start work on the workshop of Sometimes a Great Notion at Portland Center Stage, of which there will be a free reading on Thursday at 3 PM, if anyone is interested. Because of this show, I have the option of joining equity, and after the fountain fiasco, I'm seriously considering it. I just need to take a look at all the masses of paperwork to find out what ways it restricts me. I think it will be fun, though some of these people involved are pretty high-powered Portland theatre folk, so I really need to work to impress. Plus, we work 10-6, then I go to R&J performances or As You Like It rehearsals. It's going to be a busy busy week.

Good news on various fronts, though. A friend has potentially offered me a car for a while, another friend has approached me about catsitting from January to July next year... I never knew such great people were around me. Thanks, friends!

I also had a great 2-hour phone conversation last night. So there are some good things going on in my life, too.

Here's some photos from last night's rehearsal. You can find the rest at: http://www.annaliesemoyer.com/rjpreviewsite/index.htm.

A new chapter

Dear Friends-

Many of you have emailed, called and texted to make sure I am alright. Let me assure you that even though I'm shaken and a bit at loose ends, I am okay. I really have appreciated everyone checking in on me, though. I think feeling loved right now is a good thing. A very good thing.

I've had so many people come forward with offers of places to stay, possible rentals, ideas on how best (and cheapest) to get a car.... I guess I hadn't realized before how many friends I have in Portland. It's a great feeling.

As to the break up - well, it's my fault, ultimately. I'm the one who realized that this relationship just doesn't have a future, and felt I needed to take the steps to end it. That said, it doesn't mean that I wanted to let go. It was a hard place to come to, and I still care so much for her - but she needs a partner that can be there, present, with her far more than I can. And I need to be free to follow my career without feeling guilty that it takes up so much time. I can't turn down roles because my girlfriend wants me to be around more.

The thing is, this isn't a fault on either of our parts. I don't blame her for wanting a boyfriend who can be there more often - I really understand that. But it isn't me. So we're better off apart, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Because it does. And I think what hurts me most is knowing how much I was hurting her, and seeing how much she didn't understand my decision. And knowing I can't help ease that pain, when that's been my job for over a year... yeah. Yesterday was hard.

But I am so grateful to Kenichi, who helped me move my (meager) possessions out of the apartment and into John's place. And to Sara, Kenichi's partner, who tolerated my presence in their apartment all day, while she was dealing with a one month old baby, and on their anniversary, no less (they didn't tell me!). And John is being wonderful as well, allowing me to stay in his guest room while I get myself sorted out.

I'm going to try to keep this blog updated regularly, if for no other reason than to give all of those interested updates on how I'm getting by in this difficult time. What you all can do is please comment, even if it's not particularly clever or pithy - it's easier to find the time and motivation to write if I know there are people out there reading it.

Thank you all. Very much. You are the best friends a guy could have.